…I’ve been going through stuff. And sometimes I need to learn the things before I can feel worthy enough to then write about the things. I know it’s an imperfect cycle, but it’s how I work folks. I’ve also been debating about whether I should even keep this blog post up, but thanks to a very special friend recently, I’ve realized that this blog can actually still do some good – even if I don’t always see the direct repercussions or instant gratifications of it. But I digress.
Here you are:
Why do I love God?
…because every time I give him something, he works it for good.
I can give him my frustration or my doubt or my annoyance with Him…I can literally NOT WANT to trust Him, and HE continues to blow my mind and bring me closer to Him and make me fall more in love with Him. Every. Single. Time. Without fail. Unceasingly. I mean, talk about patience.
I can give Him my fear and he will send me a message reminding me to be courageous. I might not hear an audible voice, but He makes sure I hear Him. Through books, or people, or my tattoo. And if He happens to be silent, or at least silent in the way my incompetent little human mind defines silence, He makes sure I understand why. In His silence, He assures me that although I can and should depend on Him, I am also capable of standing on my own two feet. In His silence, He is making me stronger. In His silence, He is simultaneously deepening my trust in Him, and my trust in myself.
How do I love God?
I mean it is weird isn’t it, loving an inanimate being who you can’t physically see or touch? I used to think so, so we can all admit it. Sometimes, even now, when I stare up into the sky and really think about it, I can understand how crazy my belief system must look to outsiders. I think I’m bat shit crazy too half the time.
So how do I do it? How does anybody do it – love God?
You know what? The answer is I don’t know really know.
But I think it has less to do with us, and a whole heck of a lot more to do with God and Jesus. Because again, if it were up to us…we would be screwed. I’ve found that if I’m able to take one small shuffle forward in faith, God will literally LEAP to meet me and make Himself known. He does the same with all his children. Because, the thing is, He is always with us…it’s just sometimes (actually quite often), we need to be reminded of His NEARNESS. And I’ve found that if we can be brave and vulnerable enough to ask Him to show up, He delights in doing so. He LOVES blowing our minds. It’s quite scary actually.
I’m slowly learning to delight in my doubts, because it means that God and I, for lack of a better term, are becoming “homies for life.”