I hope you are doing well. I hope you are doing better than I left you. Ironically, before all of this, that’s what I wanted – to leave you better – I just never wanted to leave. More than anything, I never expected you to leave…
I search for the light. You live in the dark. And I used to think that was a bad thing. That somehow I could save you by forcing you to stand in the light with me. But now I realize that the darkness is a part of you and that’s something I can’t, something I shouldn’t, change. It’s what makes you, you.
Our relationship hurt. It mattered. In the words of John Green, it hurt because it mattered.
I made one of the toughest decisions of my life because you mattered to me. You still do. But what you depict as the ultimate betrayal I see as the ultimate sacrifice. I consciously made that decision because your life was more important than my happiness. And I chose you over me.
So, yeah, now you hate me. We haven’t spoken in eight months and I still think about you. It doesn’t hurt as much as it did, but I often wonder how you’re doing. What you hope for. If you’re ok and if the people that are in your life push you to be a better person.
The thing about hate is that it eats away at you. It takes energy to hate someone, especially if that someone was someone you supposedly entrusted everything to. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself because it hurts so dang much to miss you. But the thing is, more often I feel sorry for you. Your favorite saying is, “the way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive.” You haven’t forgiven me, so that leads me to believe that in some way, you are still suffering. Knowing that kills me, because I still love you. No matter how much it hurts, I think I will always love you. Because when push comes to shove, I have to believe that it’s easier to love than to hate.
I may not have loved you perfectly, but I loved you as well as I could…
I wonder if you can say the same?
Despite all this hurt and bitterness and broken love, I hope against all hope that we can meet again. That we might be ok again. Maybe I shouldn’t for my own sanity, but I hope that someday, you could come back into my life. Because mixed up in the darkness, I believe, more than anything, that there is light in you too.
I miss you.